For some of you MiChatOhs is your first real life experience with BDSM and/or with others in the BDSM Community. This document is meant as a reminder for experienced Community members and a guide for newcomers to understand what is expected in terms of discretion regarding meetings with others. These guidelines apply for munches, demos, parties, or any time some of us get together, privately or publicly.
A very negative social stigma is still wrongly associated with BDSM activities and is constantly reinforced through negative representations in movies, books and news coverage. People who practice aspects of BDSM may run the risk of losing their jobs, losing their children, being thrown out of their religious group, or being shamed by family, neighbors, or co-workers.
Respect and protect everyone's privacy by remembering this one simple rule:
Only those people who actually attended and/or observed an event have any reason to know or discuss who else was there or what happened.
When speaking with someone who did not attend an event, if you want to talk about what you personally did that is your prerogative. You should not mention any other names or the location of the event. Always consider carefully who you are speaking to and if there is any chance that the information you share might have unintended results. It is important that you do not chat about "who was where", or "who was with whom", or "who was doing what". If you have a habit of talking about who you were around, it is likely that you will not be invited to other events.
For instance, you can say that you saw or did a demo on how to tie a Japanese rope dress. There is no need to say who was the model, or who was teaching, or where you were, unless you have the explicit permission of the others involved. Yes, you can comment on the beauty of the ropes, how the model squirmed, what a wonderful dungeon it was, etc., but you don't need to name names. Should you ever find yourself unsure of what you can and cannot say, error on the side of too little information rather than too much.
If someone asks for details about an event they did not attend, politely remind them that you cannot answer without violating the privacy of those who did attend. If you hear someone else chatting about "who was doing what" in too much detail, remind them that they need to use more discretion and protect the privacy of others.
We consider privacy and discretion a fundamental rule of etiquette in the BDSM Community. It is a very important part maintaining respect for each other.
Our thanks to BondQuest for the basis of this document.
MiChatOhs Steering Committee, 2001